My lazy lover, the copier machine

Machines have gotten cocky lately, and we can’t seem to escape them. In Los Angeles, they even have talking buses now that shout out the next stop, nagging us about how we should hang on and stuff.

The grocery stores there also have talking machines in the aisles that blurt out the day’s specials when we walk past them, which just serves to startle us and interrupt our thought processes.

And now, even in the office — although the machines there may not be talking yet — many of them have become lazy, bossy, untruthful and downright passive aggressive.

The office copy machine and I have a tumultuous relationship at this point. It reminds me of a lazy boyfriend. Here’s one of our relationship “conversations”.

Me: (Puts document in feeder tray, hits copy)

Copier: (Yawns, stirs to life) “Your job will start in 30 seconds. Do not press copy again. Hit delete if you want to cancel the job.”

Me: (Waits 30 seconds)

Copier: …

Me: “Fine then!” (Hits delete)

Copier: “No jobs to delete.”

Me: “You said to…”

Copier: “Hit delete if you want to cancel job.”

Me: (Hits delete again)

Copier: (Acts like it’s going to start the copy and then abruptly stops) “Oh, my feeder tray doesn’t work.”

Me: (Takes document out of feeder tray, gets a feeling that the copier’s lying, puts document back in feeder tray and hits “copy”)

Copier: “Mmm, that’s better.” (Copies document)

Me: (Puts another document in feeder tray to copy)

Copier: “Um, the paper in tray 1 is low.”

Me: (Checks to see that copier has more than 25 sheets) “You have enough paper, just give me one copy of this one page.”

Copier: “Well, the paper in tray 1 is low, so…” (Sits there idle)

Me: (Puts an entire ream of paper in tray, presses copy a few dozen times) “Just. Copy!!”

Copier: “Your job will start in 30 seconds.”

Me: (Presses copy again)

Copier: “Paper in tray 1 is low.”

Me: “Liar!!” (Kicks copier)

Copier: “Beep!”

Me: (Kick!)